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My Proposal For A State Visit

So President Bush is currently being wined and dined here in the UK. I find it interesting that because of the security risks, all this pomp and circumstance is pretty much wasted because no one will actually get to see him; most of his visit will be conducted out of the public eye. Which is a real pity, because Bush won't get to see the real Britain, and all that money spent on showcasing the UK will be not-well-spent. So he'll get to see the touristy type things (Buckingham Palace (aka Buck House), lots of marching people wearing funny furry hats but not the real Britain.

So what is the real Britain? In the time I've spent here, I have realized there isn't a difinitive answer to the question, just like it's difficult to answer 'So what's the *real* Canada (or America, for that matter)? But if *I* was responsible for planning the Bushes itinerary, here's what I'd include, based on real, honest experiences of British culture (and hey, it would cost the taxpayers less, too).

1) A pub lunch. OK, so technically Bush is having one of these, with his mate Tony. But I doubt it'll be authentic. For one thing, the kitchen of the chosen pub (FYI, it's in Tony Blair's home Constituency) has had to refit its kitchen to comply with White House requirements (like what? In case there's a terrorist mouse found in the back or something?!), to the tune of a million bucks. If that was my pub, I'd say 'OK, you pay for it then...and I get to keep the kitchen as a souvenir'. But I digress. Pub grub is cool. There's nothing like a nice roast, some boiled veg and a steamed pudding smothered in creamy custard (consuming the above meal with a glass of an alcoholic beverage is optional in British pubs) to take the chill of a winter day. All the while listening to the banter from the other tables, and engaging in some pleasant conversation oneself. If Bush was lucky, one of the locals would challenge him to a game of pool or darts and tell him what they really thought about the state of the world. I doubt that the Bush/Blair version would be as relaxing as this would be normally.

2) Seeing some of the fantastic countryside. Even when it's pouring rain (or especially when it's raining) the English countryside is really nice--where it hasn't been built on, that is. I like seeing the old oak trees, and patchwork of dry stone walls weaving their way across the farmland, and seeing loads of bedraggled-looking sheep.

3)Seeing the coastline A trip to Blackpool would suit the Bush's nicely. To sit on the pier eating an ice-cream, taking in the sea air and playing a few games of Bingo in an arcade and buying some Blackpool rock to take home to the Bush's daughters ('rock' is a kind of thick, stripey stick candy for those who don't know what it is)--a seaside holiday is a very traditionally English thing to do; nowadays the Brits go on cheap package holidays to Spain or Cyprus, but that's beside the point. It's a bit rainy this time of year for a walk along the beach while watching the kids play beach cricket or building sandcastles with their buckets and spades (*not* pails and shovels!) but eating some fish, chips and mushy peas should take the chill away.

4) Shopping in a market. I love the traditional markets here. Bury, where we used to live, has a really good one. It's three days a week, and it's kind of fun to buy household goods, produce, and things you didn't know you needed from the market stalls. I especially like the banter from the traders. 'Get your nice fresh bananas! Only 30p a pound, these are gorgeous and going fast! Not a bruise on these beauties! Come on, get your bananas here!' Forget going to stuffy ol' Harrods or Selfridges for a shopping trip, this is much more interesting. Bar that, going into a local grocery store is highly educational as well.

5) Sleeping in a tiny terraced house. Most Brits don't have the luxury of huge American-style houses with backyards large enough to play tackle football on them and porches and that sort of thing. I'd love to see the Bush entourage staying in a truly British dwelling, the terraced, or 'row' house. Think Coronation Street and you get the idea. It would be great for the Bush's and all the CIA people to share a house containing 3 small, cramped bedrooms and then to fight for one tiny bathroom in a morning (with a limited supply of hot water) before coming downstairs for a breakfast of Corn Flakes, toast with Flora margarine, a boiled egg in an egg cup and a cup of Nescafe. Perfect.

So before you know it, Bush and Co. will be back home in Warshington and telling everyone about the 'quaint' time they had in jolly ol' England, with narry a protester in sight to spoil the trip. But I know he woulda had a much better time (and get some better photos) if he would've followed my suggestions.
But I know he's a busy man, running a country and all, with not a whole lot of time to sightsee. So instead, I would post Dubya a copy of Bill Bryson's "Notes From A Small Island" to let him know what he missed about the REAL England.